Updated: Oct 8
In modern times, many young males are projecting their unresolved traumas and issues onto women, resulting in an epidemic in our society. Although this issue is bilateral, the focus is on boys. The reason for this is that boys are struggling to meet the emotional requirements of women, leading to a failure to mature into men. Boys who cannot meet their own emotional needs are unlikely to be able to meet those of their partner. It's simply impossible. These boys are not yet men, and they may struggle to show up for their woman as a result. When someone is not equipped to take care of themselves, they will struggle to care for others. Therefore, it's important for these boys to focus on developing themselves and becoming emotionally mature before trying to form a relationship.
I was the kind of person who sought validation from others. But I finally realised that true happiness lies in self-acceptance and being true to oneself. I chose to break free from societal expectations and started focusing on my own needs and desires. Along the way, I also learned to treat women with respect and kindness. Whilst understanding the impact of my past actions. Today, I have grown into a stronger, more compassionate person, no longer seeking approval from others but finding fulfillment within myself. I was a broken, scarred and scared little boy whose heart was shut off from love for oneself and love for another.. Conquest after conquest, loveless meaningless sex that wasn’t really sex.. I was yearning for something more meaningful, but because I was so shut off I kept on sabotaging nice women who came into my life… I had these unconscious beliefs, mind viruses if you will, that I wasn’t worthy of love.. I wasn’t worthy of a relationship and that deep down the prospect of finding a nice woman to create a family with scared the shit out of me. All of these things were unconscious belief systems that I had carried around for a very long time. This was the catalyst to my sleeping around ways. Throw in the movies, excessive porn and tv shows that I was consuming any wonder I couldn’t find anyone…
During my darkest days there were two women who spring to mind that will remain nameless that I hurt very deeply. They came into my life not long after I had separated from my very first girlfriend and I was nowhere near ready for the type of relationship they were looking for… The first woman who came into my life was a nice beautiful woman who really liked me and was super nice to me… I did all of the right things, said all of the right things in the early stages… But once the ‘exclusive’ conversation started that is when I would enter self destruct or self sabotage mode… I remember kissing this woman's best friend in a nightclub.. At the time I was completely unaware that they were actually friends. Next morning came and that was it, they had both put the pieces together and I never spoke to this woman again. I carried around quite a lot of guilt and shame for a long time over this relationship… I was completely unaware of why I did what I did, I had lots of regret over this as well. But I never knew why I was doing it and more importantly how I could stop. Until I went deep within…
The next woman I hurt came when I was in my mid twenties.. This particular woman was a nice woman who again really liked me and as things progressed she wanted to get serious with me… Enter again, a self destruct, self sabotage mode… Hearing this frightened me where I completely ghosted this woman on several occasions. This type of commitment that she was after from me was not something I was emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually ready to give her… I was a prick to this woman, I constantly spoke about her behind her back, I was rude, arrogant and called her clingy etc.. I felt the most guilt and shame over this one for a very long time. Looking back I was just an immature little boy running away from anything serious and running away from myself… I was the type of guy who was happy with a one night stand… Anything beyond that, sent me to self destruct, self sabotage mode.
As I began my healing journey and forgiving this version of myself… I put it out as an intention into the universe, spirit, source, the divine etc… That if I was supposed to apologise to these women then they would come back into my life to hear my apology. The next day after doing this, I was in the supermarket grabbing some yoghurt and low and behold standing right next to me was one of these women. I simply just got her attention and told her how sorry I was for the way I treated her. I was a scared little boy who didn’t know what love was and I have since done a lot of work on myself and have realised I was a prick to you.. I could feel the shift, I could see it in her eyes and could tell it meant a lot to her to hear me say that. The next moment came and it was wild... I fully understood that if you set an intention, you definitely get it back...
A couple of weeks later, this happened again. This time it was in the school I was working at around this time last year. A room full of 50 children and 4 adults. We had a child who was being seen to by an OT (Occupational Therapist).. This particular OT was one of the women I hurt the most. The woman I wrote about before whom I met not long after my breakup. I remember vividly walking into the kitchen and saying to myself that if I am supposed to apologise then all of the children and staff will leave… I was in that kitchen for five minutes and in that five minutes everyone left the room and it was just her and I in there… So I walked up to her and aplogised… She thanked me for saying that. It helped her, and it also helped me. It mended that once broken fence. I instantly felt the shift. This happened two more times. I could not be more grateful for the opportunity to go back and apologise to these women. I felt free and that I had let go of all the guilt and shame I had carried around towards myself for a very long time. I found it was very comforting for the women to hear this from me as well. It provided us all with closure. If you’re one of the women I hurt and you’re reading this, just know I am very sorry for the way I treated you. I was a boy in a man's body and I have since done a lot of work on myself and have come to realise this. I didn’t know what love was, I was scarred and very closed off.
You have the power to completely transform and change your whole life for the better. You can mend broken relationships, especially the one with yourself. There is something better for you out there… Take the first step and acknowledge that you may have a problem… Then take action and ask for help. 1, 2, 3 action. Just remember progression not perfection. I have tons of programs at a low cost (until the end of October) to help you back on the path, to help you come back home to yourself and write your comeback story. I look forward to hearing from you.. Your journey towards a better YOU is waiting.
Thank you for reading wherever in the world you are…
Nathan Francis: Youth - Self Sabotage Mentor/Coach.
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