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My dark knight of the soul: Casual sex and why I did it..

From my observations and experiences I feel modern youth and young adults are lost… Lost in life, lost with who they truly are, lost in general with the world… But most importantly they are lost with love, love for oneself, and love for another human being. Furthermore, as a collective we all are. My blog about love (​​ explains why and how our love is fabricated.. To further expand on this, I feel that most of our youth and young adults are unsure how to love because we do not love ourselves.. As a result of this casual sex, flings, one night stands etc have become the norm.. Did you know that when you have sex with another being you download each others traumas, behaviours and beliefs? It is just like plugging a USB into a computer. The sexual connection between two human beings is a sacred act, a loving act which is all about connection. Not one night five minutes of pleasure then onto the next partner. This is a program, it is not love, it is not real, it is not deep and meaningful. You can change this anytime by learning self-love, learning what love is and developing a true understanding of what love means to you.. Start with loving yourself first.

My version of love was fabricated as well, it was a mixture of my parents (programming) and TV shows I used to watch where lying, cheating and stealing was seen as normal just like in soap operas. I was also very closed off from love. Quite often I would get close with a female then I just flat out sabotaged it consciously in many ways. I was very ashamed of this for quite a long time. I did not feel I was worthy of love, I hated this part myself the most. I simply did not know how to love. Why? Well, this was my biggest secret and it was always hard for me to talk about openly because I was ashamed and this is where my problems with love escalated.

My first love. For a start, there were unicorns and rainbows. I was seeing it all and absolutely loving it. But then as time went on, I became so fixated and wanted to spend every minute of every day with this woman. I isolated myself from my friends and family and just wanted to see her. My friends and family at the time knew what I was doing but I didn’t. I wouldn’t even let her see her own friends and became quite jealous when she would make plans without me or make plans with them. I had no idea I was like this until the very end. She departed on a trip of a lifetime without me which hurt me, and broke me.. We stayed together for a month or so after she left, but I knew that was it for us but I was so in love (well I thought I was) that I was just clinging on to hope that she would come back to me. While she was over there while we were still together she’d met someone else.. I knew, I could see it in the photos etc and I was broken inside, my heart was broken in ways beyond imagination. They always say your first love hurts the most.. This cut me to my core. The pain, the anguish, the deep sadness was something I had never ever experienced before. This closed me off from love, it scarred and scared me. From that moment until the end of 2020 I was a young male having casual sex, drinking most if not every weekend and treating nice women like absolute pure garbage. Once the light bulb went off and I realised why I was like this, this was the hardest time for me personally. I saw myself and my darkness and why I was so broken inside. I was a scared, broken little boy who fell out of love with part of myself and fell out of love with women.

Having gone through all of that and realising why I was behaving this way. I have since forgiven myself for this behaviour and released the guilt, the fear, the shame and the self hatred. Doing this was a massive weight off my shoulders and I am not going to lie tears were shed during this process.

In the last few months I have randomly well, universally guided to see some of those women again that I hurt and I have apologised to them. Properly this time. I explained most of that above, and to see their faces and be so forgiving of me was something special. It meant the world to me. To anyone else reading this blog, if you are one of those women I was a prick to please know I am truly sorry for what I did to you and the hurt I caused you. I hope you can forgive me. I also hope I run into more of you and I can say this in person.

Now, my love for myself is even stronger. I am happy and comfortable in my own skin and I am working on myself every day. I see the darkness and I thank it for the lessons it has taught me.

If this blog has resonated with you, please do not hesitate to reach out.. I have tons of free wisdom and knowledge that I am willing to pass on during a free zoom session available anytime. It will be strictly confidential. or any of my socials. My inbox is open. Have an awesome week, you are worthy and you are enough don't ever think or believe you are not it is a program.

Nathan Francis 12/09/2022


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